NFL Quarterbacks and the Politicians they're most similar to

First of all, I have to give credit where it's due, to a very good friend of mine who first compared Matt Cassel to Sarah Palin. It was absolute brilliance and without it, I never would have came up with this blog, so Eric, thank you.

So away we go:

Sarah Palin = Matt Cassel


One could be "just a heartbeat away" from being President, the other turned out to be just a torn ACL and MCL away from being starting quarterback of the New England Patriots. Both are woefully unqualified for their jobs, but garner unfailing support from partisans.

which I suppose means...

John McCain = Tom Brady


I resisted this one at first, but the longer I thought about the two together, the more the parallels stood out. John McCain was widely considered to be one of the best politicians in the country for the longest time, but never got the chance to be president, now that he's got his shot, he's following up the lamest of lame ducks, and facing a democratic buzzsaw. Along the way he's had to change a lot of his stated viewpoints so they fall in line with the less moderate side of the Republican Party.

Tom Brady was long considered a great quarterback, but never had that aura of excellence around him as a passer like Peyton Manning. Manning was the future HOF passer, Manning was Dan Marino, Brady was also a future HOFer, but he was going in as a great game manager like Joe Montana. The year Brady broke out and set every passing record known to man was the year that the Patriots national perception (fairly or unfairly) finished it's transition from "all about the team" to "wait a minute these guys are just a bunch of smug bastards who run up the score."

Charlie Crist = Jeff Garcia


Almost too easy. Both are very clearly FLAMING, but closeted homosexuals, and both have insanely attractive wives (Fiancee in Crist's case.) Both are employed in the state of Florida, and neither are great at their jobs, but both are better than they're usually given credit for. Garcia's still shooting for a job as a full time starter while consistently having the rug pulled out from under his feet, and Crist has to be angling for VP if not a presidential run of his own in 2012 or 2016.

Alan Keyes = Gus Frerotte


If Alan Keyes shows up in an election, that means that your local chapter of the GOP has hit rock bottom, and if there's a rock bottom of NFL quarterbacks who are still at least moderately established, it's Gus Frerotte. Sure you've heard of him, so that's something, and he might actually make some noise for you, but nobody actually WANTS Gus Frerotte quarterbacking their team. Once he's gone, you look back at the days he was around with scorn and embarrassment.

Todd Stroger = Koy Detmer = Luke McCown = Brock Huard


Nepotism. The only reason why Todd Stroger holds his position as Commissioner of the second-most populous county in the United States. I'm pretty sure the only reason why Koy, Luke and Brock ever got a sniff playing quarterback in the NFL is because they had brothers who were NFL quarterbacks. If any of these four jokers show up to quarterback your team or govern your county, you're completely and utterly fucked.

Therefore...

John Stroger = Ty Detmer = Josh McCown = Damon Huard


Here's four more guys that are/were awful at their job, but are/were so much better than their son/younger brothers you look at them far more fondly than you would have had other members of their bloodlines not poisoned your perception of the family name. The only thing that saved the Hasselbecks from these groups is that Matt is (or at least was) a pretty damn good quarterback

Rudi Giullani = Brett Favre


To their faithful: wunderkinds, to everyone else (Democrats, fans of other NFC North teams) really overrated. Even people that like them generally seem to find them annoying because of their larger than life public image. Both have long and storied careers. Both have their own public relations entity, only with Favre it's John Madden who operates on his own accord, where as Rudi, in case you were unaware, was the Mayor of New York during 9/11.

Favre jumped the Packers ship to the Jets in 2008 and became the darling of New York City. Rudi Was the mayor of New York City. During 9/11. Brett Favre just looks like a kid running around out there. Rudi was the mayor of New York City ...during 9/11.

Had Brett made up his mind sooner, he'd still be quarterbacking the Packers. Had Rudi decided to campaign sooner, he'd probably be the Republican nominee for president.

Michael Bloomberg = Aaron Rogers


Both took over under enormous pressure for a bombastic, larger than life, pompous blowhole, and both are succeeding with far more class their their predecessors.

Richard J. Daley = Peyton Manning


Two men who can/could do pretty much anything. Mayors all over the world DREAM of having the power Richard J. Daley held, and quarterbacks everywhere wish they had the talent of Peyton Manning. Neither would be anywhere close to as powerful without their supporting cast. Daley by virtue of the mob, had the Chicago machine. Manning is surrounded by two all pro wide receivers, has had two different all pro running backs, and one of the best offensive lines in the NFL.

On the downside, Daley had the '68 democratic convention. Manning had the divisional playoff game against the Steelers in 2005.

I know it's now painfully obvious, but...

Richard M. Daley = Eli Manning


No matter how hard they try, these two will never, ever, EVER escape the shadow of their more famous relatives. Neither will ever hold the same amount of power. But still, while you'd certainly rather have Richard J's power or Peyton's talent, if you're a mayor or a quarterback, you'll take the successes of either in a heartbeat. Richey will never completely remove the State Government thorn from his side, and Eli will probably always be dogged by the New York fans.

Barack Obama = Jay Cutler


Nobody outside of Illinois knew who Barack Obama was until his speech at the 2004 DNC, and pretty much nobody outside of Vanderbilt knew who Jay Cutler was until he threw for 3000 yards and 21 touchdowns in 2005. Both were drafted by their respective "teams" to be the savior despite their "mile wide but foot deep" track records, and both have a chance to really prove why they were picked this fall.

Between Brandon Marshall and Eddy Royal, Cutler has everything he could ever need to throw the ball. Barack Obama has the largest donor base of any presidential candidate in the history of the country, but Obama is hamstrung by the Democratic party who, historically, is really, really bad at politics. Cutler plays for a team with shaky offensive and defensive lines which are more than capable of sinking an otherwise steady ship.

Obama gave arguably the most important speech of his life when he accepted the Democratic Party's nomination in Denver at Invesco Fieldhouse at Mile High, which happens to be Jay Cutler's home field.

George W. Bush = Kyle Orton


Both are recovering alcoholics who you know are still hitting it pretty hard. Both won a seemingly bogus competition that seems to have been set up for them to win from the very beginning. Neither of them have accomplished anything as a professional, yet despite this, certain segments of the population still really like them. George Bush felt like the right guy for the job for a few weeks after 9/11 and Kyle Orton really seemed like a great option after Rex Grossman went down in the preseason in 2005. Both soon proved their ineffectiveness. Despite all logic, both inexplicably got another chance at the job.

Sorry, I can't help myself:

John Kerry = Rex Grossman


They're both annoying, pampered, they both kinda give off that d-bag vibe at times, they both say the dumbest shit at the most inopportune times, and they probably aren't all that much better than the alternative. Both also fail miserably on the big stage, but deep down, you know it should be their job.

John Edwards = Brian Griese


For some reason they both always seem like a fantastic idea when you're trying find someone to fill the position, but then you go through the vetting process and they just kinda don't make it. Then the end of the day rolls around and you are SO glad you didn't pick them.

Dick Cheney = Drew Brees


What can I say? They're both just way more comfortable with the shotgun.

Ted Kennedy = Tony Romo


Both have accomplished a lot in their professions, but both seem to have inflated public images because of their linage (Quarterback of the Cowboys/Kennedy Family) and the stuff they've done off the field/outside the chamber (the bevy of blonde beauties and the.... bevy of blonde beauties...) Both are maligned by their opposition. Ted had Chappaquiddick, Romo fumbled the snap on that field goal in the playoffs.